I'll Stand By You

"I know eventually he's gonna go back to his stubborn usual self, but when he's like this...it's different," Said Sammy, running a hand through her hair.

Mark nodded again. "he lets you in more." and acts like a little kid. It was really the only time they could get total honesty from Roger as far as what was going on.

"Chris was the same way," Sammy admitted. "You could always tell when he wasn't feeling well, he got so.....childlike.....clingy almost."

He said nothing at first knowing that Chris to Roger was the equivilant of April to Sammy. And there honestly wasn't a lot to say to that. Mark glanced over at Roger, making sure he wasn't picking up anything they said. "Roger plays the denial card as long as he can and then if it stops working that means its really bad." And then what? He had to face it up and that wasn't something Roger liked at do. His friend was always these things, just with an effort it came off much differently- and as much a facade as it was, Mark liked it that way because it meant things were normal

Sammy nodded. She could understand that. She could understand that completely. "I really worry about him sometimes...well...all the time," Sammy admitted. "It's like I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not focusing on what he needs me to do...."

"I'd like to tell you he's a big boy and he can take care of himself.. but he really can't." Mark rung his hands. This conversation felt like a betrayal to Roger. It was true though; even on the better days. Roger on his own just wouldn't.. care enough to do what he had to. wouldn't know how to contain himself and his emotions. Even with them, he wasn't the best at that. "What he needs and what he wants are usually worlds away, and sometimes you just need to let it go. You need to take care of yourself too." In some aspects it was even more importaint. She couldn't try until she gave up, let herself suffer. If she fell they both fell, and Mark didn't want that. He knew they couldn't go through that

Sammy shook her head. "I can take care of myself fine, but that doesn't really matter to me, I come second to everyone else, I always have." She reached up to grab the ring and key around her neck. "Mark, I've grown up taking care of other people, I was just a kid when Chris got sick, I told care of him, his momma, his kid sister, taking care of others.....that's all I know."

"I know.." He felt he'd said the wrong thing. 'thought the wrong thing, but it was getting increasingly difficult to put faith in Roger's relationships. Not what he was the one who saw everything through. He turned quickly as Roger stirred, muttering something in his skeep he couldn't catch.

Sammy too glanced over when she heard Roger's muttering, moving to stroke his hair again, hoping he would settle down.

Instead though he only grew more distraught, muttering becoming louder, phrases of shock and disbelief repeated over and over. No. God no. Not her. Denial. And then the muffled sobs broke through and he was calling Samantha's name, shaking as he was in his nightmare where he clutched her dead body to his chest.

Worried by Roger's distraught muttering and shaking, Sammy moved a hand to Roger's shoulder, trying to wake him. "Roger, darlin'.......darlin' wake up......"

"No... no... You can't... she can't be..." he tossed and buried his head in the pillow, her voice making too little sense for the situation. "Sammy. Sammy get up.... please."

"Roger, Roger sugar," Sammy continued to call to him, shaking him a little more roughly now. "Sugar c'mon wake up...."

Roger jolted up with a start, swaying and breathing rapidly. His eyes darted around frantic until they finally set on her and widened. Despite the relief he should have been feeling -she was alive, okay, alive- the image from his dream was still fresh in his mind and he couldn't calm down. "Sammy.. I thought.. oh god.. I thought.."

Sammy wrapped her arms around Roger, rubbing his back."I'm right here darlin," Sammy drawled gently. "Just breathe hun, just breathe." she waited a moment or two before she spoke again. "What happened sugar, what'd you see?"

He let his head fall on her shoulder, trying to regain some type of composure while also taking in his very not dead Samantha. He'd for the most part caught his breath when she'd asked what he saw, but the image rushed at him again and he bit his lip."I saw.. no, you were.. like when April..." he cut himself off. Couldn't. his voice was broken, little gasps from holding back tears evident even though he muffled himself in her shoulder. "Please don't.."

Sammy tightened her grip on Roger when he explained what he'd seen. No wonder he was so terrified she thought to herself. "Roger....darlin I would never...ever do anything like that," she told him. "I couldn't leave you like that, I wouldn't."

He knew that. He really did. And he believed it. But still Roger couldn't shake it off. He let her hold him and nodded a little so she'd feel it, assuring him once again that she was actually there.

Sammy stroked Roger's hair as always, trying her best to keep him calm. "You just hold on to me as long as you want," said Sammy. "I'm not goin' nowhere I promise."

He nodded again, and held on until the feelings subsided enough he was willing to lift his head, though he made no move to cut contact with her completely. "Thanks"

"Anything for you darlin," said Sammy. "Anything at all, I love you, you know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do.... I love you too." Roger told her.

Sammy reached up to stroke Roger's cheek. She gave a small smile. "I wrote something while I was gone earlier y'know."

Roger sighed. He didn't want to have to make this decision. He wanted her to have backed off weeks ago like any sane person, or pressed on firmly like Mark.. or like Mimi. He didn't want to have to take the lead because he didn't KNOW what was best. Want her, don't want her, he just... didn't know. "Refer me to that something, sometime... I think I'd like a word with it."

"You're a mess, Roger Davis," said Sammy softly, a slight giggle in her voice, "but you're my mess, my beautiful disaster." She continued to play with his hair as she always did, and reminded herself that there would come a time when they could have these moments without the emotional roller coaster of withdrawal trying to force a wedge between them.